Tuesday, April 26, 2011

January 15, 2010

i got out of my magnolia creek bubble and went to church today. it was not what church is supposed to be. i was grossly full {as i usually am these days} from breakfast, so i took the liberty of skipping my midmorning snack.

when we stood to sing, i was undeniably aware of my bloated stomach and the saggy feeling that all this is forced sedentariness has left in my legs. i was in a state of inward cringing through each song and prayer, able only to ask god if we could please sit down already so i could quit feeling how gross i've become.

i started out the sermon attempting to listen, but my mind quickly drifted to lunch after church. i figured the friends i was with would want to go somewhere. i was hardly hungry, so i started to talk myself into the idea that it would be okay to skip lunch as well...

okay so i could just not go and then make something for myself at home. but that would be letting my eating disorder keep me from being around people. maybe i should go so no one gets worried and i could just get something restrictive. okay but i'm not supposed to get something restrictive...maybe today will be a really big day for me and i'll get something normal and eat it and make everyone really proud. but probably everyone will just think i'm crazy and wonder why i went to magnolia creek in the first place because they're all way skinnier than me. that's the thing- other people can eat those things but i just don't do that. i don't think i can. but maybe i should. maybe God wants me to. but that girl like three pews down- she is way skinnier than me. that means i shouldn't get anything normal. i'll feel so much better after i restrict anyways.

thankfully, the friend i'd come with to church was sick with mono and had planned on just going home. i ended up going to another friend's apartment after church because a dear friend of ours that transferred out of samford freshman year was in town. the three of us sat on the bed talking and catching up until the both of them decided they were hungry. we ended up at taziki's, one of the places at which i do my best restricting.

okay so maybe i'll get a friday special for the first time since freshman year. they'd be so proud of me. or maybe i'll get one of those gyros or something. it might be fun to at least see what that tastes like. i'll look at my reflection in the window and if i look skinny, i'll do it....

looks like i'm restricting today.

i ended up ordering the same thing i always order at taziki's. i am a master at going to restaurants with friends and ordering and eating without consuming more than a negligible number of calories. i know i'm going to have to stop doing that. but today, i just wasn't ready to let go.

one of the girls i was with is my best friend. like literally, we'll be close til we die. she asked me what the hell i was doing, ordering "rabbit food" as she calls it, just like i used to. "aren't they teaching you any better at magnolia creek," she asked?

what i could tell was a guiltily sinister smile slowly slid across my lips. i stared down at the ground, basking in the seemingly warm glow of my successful restriction. "i mean, yeah," i said, "i really am learning a lot. they just feed me so much. i'm so sick of food. i needed a break."

she told me she understood, but that i'm going to have to learn to order an actual meal on my own at a restaurant if i'm planning on getting better.

i told her i knew that. but the way i imagine it'd be hard to look all the way right or left with a cricked neck, trying to stretch my brain around the idea of freedom is completely uncomfortable. i know it's going to happen one day, but it won't be one day soon.



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