today wasn't fun...

...it started wonderfully.

the sun was bright and the sky was clear. i had oatmeal with blueberries, almonds and flax seed for breakfast with some wonderful south american coffee.

around 7:30 i started studying for a final i have tomorrow. at 7:45 i got a text message from a friend wanting to go for a walk.

at 7:47 i was brushing my teeth and liking myself in the tank top i'd thrown on.

around 7:50 i was putting on my shoes and running out the door.

i'm not sure when or where things went wrong, but by noon i found myself fighting back tears. bad body image came out of nowhere and nestled itself in for the duration of my day.

i had a counseling appointment, which i'd hoped would help. i purposefully wore a tank top because i wanted to tackle this unhealthy obsession i have with arms. my counselor had two points of advice: that i need to accept i'm not perfect, and that some people's bodies don't respond to exercise.

i think she wanted me to cope with the arm issue myself, and that was why she took such a non-directive approach. but i didn't want to be brave today. i just wanted her to say all that i wanted to hear.

i left counseling aching more deeply than before.

hobby lobby is a peaceful place for me, so the fact that i'd been planning on going all day worked out beautifully.

i wandered inside and thought i'd sneak past the aisle of full body mirrors for sale and see if i couldn't reconcile myself with my body. i stepped in front of a mirror, hopeful that it might right the day's wrongs and soothe the ache in my chest. i saw a belly poking over the waist band of my white gauzy skirt and two chunky arms fluffing out from either of my rounded shoulders. the overweight young woman staring back at me grew red-eyed and she began to whimper. I walked away, vowing to forget what I'd seen and suck my sobs dry, when a familiar voice called my name. i turned around and my eyes met who i knew was already there: one of my very best friends. She put her arms around me and i told her what i was feeling. my friends have grown to learn, i think, that there isn't a lot that they can do when i'm attacked with body image other than to love on me.

hobby lobby calmed my mind and softened the stabbing pain that accompanies bad body image days. i left feeling slightly stronger. i studied awhile, then cleaned my kitchen just in time for my friends to come over and make breakfast for dinner.

i didn't want to eat because i spent the majority of the day thinking that i'm heavy.

i ate anyway because i only had one reason not to eat, but i could have named a million reasons to eat.

in roughly 60 seconds, i will be finished typing this post.

i'll put my laptop down and pick my study guide back up. everything will make sense to me because even though i saw a fat person in the mirror today, i fueled my brain with carbohydrates and i got plenty of fats and protein too.

i'll wake up tomorrow and i'll eat breakfast and i'll do my best on my last final of college.

i don't know how long i'm going to have to look at the fat version of myself in the mirror, but however long it is, i'll keep eating and i'll keep living.

love,

EA