Saturday, May 14, 2011

what happens when we fight.

towards the end of my last post, i said i was going to click "publish", put my computer down and continue to study for my last final of college.

i said i was confident that everything would make sense because in spite of my less-than-desirable body image, i had eaten all that i needed for that day and the one before it and that one before that one and so on.

the final took me nearly the full two hours. i did my very best and i felt okay about it.

yesterday, i checked my grade;

it was a 96%.

i considered the circumstances surrounding the final and the day leading up to it. it would have been easy and comfortable and natural for me to restrict food. i could have combatted body image with the knowledge that a few more days of sparse eating and all would be well (except it wouldn't have).

but i had my research methods final and i wanted to do well, so i ate.

and now i'm thinking about a 96% on a test versus bad body image. it would have been really funny, i think, if i would've restricted to improve my body image, because my own perception of my body is false. so in essence, i would have deprived myself of the necessary fuel to do well on a test so that i could advance myself on some continuum of body satisfaction that is based in delusions and lies in the first place.

instead, i chose to fuel myself for function, and i achieved a score that cannot become an object of distortion or delusion, a score that is an exact reflection of the intelligence on my inside rather than an false projection of my outside.

i think i made the right choice.

in a little over two hours i'll be graduating from college.

i am infinitely thankful i didn't waste my last year on my disorder.



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