too tough?

contrary to popular understanding, eating disorders are not rooted in anything really having to with weight, appearance, food, etc...

they just manifest themselves that way.

over the years, dissapoinment, rejection, hurt, (or at the very least, me perceiving various situations as such) have perpetuated my "need" to hide safely behind my disorder.

even since starting this blog, i've found myself in a gradual new state of freedom, clear-headedness, confidence, and joy...

i've learned that i'm good at things i never thought i cared about, that i'm a lot smarter than i ever knew, that i can walk into a room full of people and be alive and present rather than overwhelmed, consumed.

i've learned all these things, and i like living them out; love them in fact. and i don't want anything to happen that could compromise any of it.

as i already mentioned, a lot of what kept me close to my disorder was my own malperception of people and why they said things and did things and cared about things- particularly in relation to me. in my head, i always came up short, and my eating disorder was my source of redemption from my self-condemnation.

i'm afraid of my past malperceptions- that they're going to come back. lately i've found myself calloused, tough- i don't want to need anyone- to let anyone in- because things are working the way they're supposed to work right now and i'm scared that adding people back into that equation might cause things to stop adding up so easily.

the other day i spoke to a girl on the phone who'd been in treatment for three or four days. she'd been watching the girls around her, many of whom were in pretty bad shape. "Being here has scared me out of my disorder," she said, "now that i've seen what happens when you don't stop, i know i'll never go back to it again". She said she was ready to go home, that she couldn't take one more night there, but that no one would listen to her or even consider allowing her to leave.

i told her she should stay. that being "scared out of her disorder" was certainly a necessary stage in her decision to let it go, but that fear of her disorder and freedom from her disorder were not the same thing.

it's about time i take my own advice- let the equation stop being an equation- realize that life and people are messy but if i've ever been strong enough handle the mess, it's now.

i want to be free and i want to be happy. but for the happy to be real i have to know that i can be free and sad, free and angry, free and hurt, free and dissapointed too.

but the only way to, feel it all, and still choose to be free, is to open up, let people and all their beautifully scary stuff come in (note: i'm not saying i'm not an advocate of healthy boundaries- but boundaries can be too strong just as much as they can be too weak- as with most things it's all about balance) and be sure enough of myself to know that I WILL choose freedom, no matter what happens.

love,

ea