Wednesday, July 14, 2010


every now and then, i'm going to feature people on my blog.

some will be people in recovery, some will be close friends of mine that have been phenomenal supports, and some have yet to be determined (but i have some fun ideas).

i just sent a friend who's in recovery a facebook message, asking if she'd be willing to answer some questions on my blog.

i realized as i was typing the message that there was a time (even since i started this blog), at which it would have been excruciatingly difficult for me to see my smiling face posted on someone's blog about recovery.

i would have felt like a failure, like i'd chosen the weaker of two options, because unlike so many, i'd decided to give in to my physical and emotional needs.

people would say, "EA- why can't you understand that you ARE making the strong choice, the VICTORIOUS choice".

somewhere in my own depths i knew i was doing what i needed to do, but that didn't change the fact that i didn't feel it was what i needed to do. and it certainly didn't change the fact that i was ashamed of my choice to leave my eating disorder behind.

i suppose this shows that if you're waiting to get over something until you want to get over something, then you're never going to get over something.

i think it's about wanting what's on the other side of the something and clinging to that distant other side until you realize that you've squandered your mistaken love for the something and in doing so, you've made room for all kinds of beautiful things you never thought you'd experience.

all that to say, i was the person with the craziest distortions and the most unbelievable beliefs engrained in and engulfing my head. but now, after months of clinging to the distance and to what that thread of life inside me knew was true, i'm actually proud to say that i'm choosing life without an eating disorder. i will no longer feel defeated in the presence of active eating disorders. i'll only feel strong.

earlier this morning, an aveeno commercial came on and said this, "finally, what you love is what your skin needs".

if you think about it, it doesn't make that much sense in the context of a skin care commercial, but it still caught my attention.

i think that's how i could describe where i am right now (if you replace "skin" with "body, mind and emotions").

finally, what i love.... body (even when i don't like it) oatmeal with walnuts and a glass of soymilk
....choosing life
....not wanting to be frail and weak
....having color in my face
....not being cold all the time
....people without my disorder
....not wondering how people who aren't thin can be happy
....not defining every day by my good or bad body image
....excitement for what's ahead
....being unafraid what my body, mind, and emotions need.

not to say it didn't take awhile to love life like this. but finally, i do.



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