Wednesday, January 26, 2011

an almost relapse.

the other day i drove back to samford for my very last semester of college.

i was supposed to be sentimental or incredulous or savoring memories past and memories to come, or something like that i think.

i allowed my mind to drift for old time's sake, but i wasn't softly smiling or feeling full-hearted in result...i was counting calories.

it had been months since the familiar, sinister voice beckoned to me, offering its advice to make me look a little thinner, and thus worth a little more.

it took me aback a little bit...the way it does to see a somewhat forgotton name from a dramatic past pop up at the top of a text much of a jolt as it was, there was something spark-like about it, something that stirred up everything i'm trying to hate and reminded me how much i used to love it.

i knew the moment i detected them that i needed to drive the thoughts out of my head, but i didn't. i didn't, because as much as i hate to admit it...

...i kind of liked that they were there.

it takes roughly six hours to drive from my home to my school. apparently, it also takes roughly six hours for me to step an entire year back in my thinking.

i hadn't planned on acting on any of the thoughts. i just wanted to enjoy the safety of thinking them. but by the time i got to my apartment, i'd devised a restrictive eating plan and began to carry it out.

i won't go into any detail in regards to what i ate/didn't eat saturday night and sunday, because i just don't see that information serving any positive purpose for anyone.

but i will say that i spent sunday morning wandering the grocery store, purchasing my eating disorder's favorite "foodless foods" as i like to call them, and feeling strangely secure having them rolling around in my cart.

i continued, walking hand in hand with my disorder into the night.

i found myself at an opening event at which everyone reunited for coffee and dessert to welcome the spring semester. i downed a couple of cups of coffee (many of you fellow strugglers have probably experienced a twisted relationship with coffee) and found it incredibly {but now that i look back, unsprisingly} effortful to be myself.

i can remember being around bigger groups of people when i was sick and feeling completely caged. it was like the real me was in there, but my eating disorder was a prison that not only took over my body and mind, but my personality as well. i was so frustrated that i couldn't just make my real self come out.

it took proper nutrition and disobedience of my disorder to liberate my true self before, so i don't know why i thought i could have it all this time.

it took about an hour amidst the people i love for me to remember that my disorder wasn't going to accept just a portion of my efforts. it will always want everything. my thoughts went into a battle that was so explicitly back and forth, i could almost feel it from one side of my head to the other. it was like i was going to rip down the middle.

i was just standing there, feeling safe, but dizzy; euphoric, but sad. as much as my disorder wanted me, i knew God wanted me more. and my true heart, the one that's emerged from the past year of healing, began mourning all i was going to lose if i chose to stop eating and turn back.

this person doesn't know this, but as the battle reached its peak of intensity, a friend approached me and told me a story of some positive effects of this blog he'd observed in a fellow struggler's life. {that being said...this is God's blog...he put on my heart to start it, and he does what he will with if i say that someone has benefitted from any words that i post, i am not implying that i did anything besides stand in as a willing vessel to accomplish any of it} at that point, the battle was over.

i texted my best friend and my mom and told them what had happened and told them it was over. i felt joyously liberated and i thanked God for his provision and i danced with friends and glow sticks and went to sonic with them afterwards and ate/drank a dr. pepper float.

i woke the next morning feeling relieved and even safer than i'd felt with the "foodless" cans in my cart. i bought some awesome velcro dance shoes and some cinnamon almonds and you know what?...

...i haven't looked back.



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