i rarely visit my nutritionist these days...

...but every now and then i'll pop in for a little tune-up.

friday afternoon, i sunk into her brown couch as she lithefully crossed one leg over the other in a turqouise wicker chair in the opposite corner of her small office.

we caught up for a moment and she cradeled my previous files in her forearms and elbows, close to her lap, while she reviewed them.

our session commenced with its typical first question: "alrighty," she said, "what have you been doing for breakfast?"

without so much as a blink i replied, "three fourths of a cup of oatmeal with two tablespoons walnuts, a little brown sugar and an 8 0z glass of milk."

she nodded, "okay. when will you eat next?"

again, without a flinch- "a luna bar- around 10 am"

she wrote some notes and nodded, "whats for lunch?"

i rubbed my legging-covered knee and described my typical 3 0z of turkey on wheat bread with olive oil mayonnaise.

her pen stopped mid-sentence and she lifted her gaze to mine, looking slightly amused.

"this is exactly what you told me you were eating back in september," she flipped back a couple of papers and nodded, "have you been eating the same thing every day?"

my face twisted into a smile, "this is what i like," i said, almost whining, "and i eat a number one at chick fil a every so often!"

she raised her eye brows, slightly tilting her head, "i just don't think you know what you're missin'. and dinner and snacks- those are the same too?"

i scrunched my shoulders, bracing myself for her disapproval, "ehhh...yeah."

she lowered my files to her lap and shook her head a little. she explained that eating for health is not just about nutritional value, but flavor, texture, temperature, and variety.

she commended the progress i've made, but told me it's time to embrace myself by embracing food.

i told her that of course it's the safety that makes me eat the same things, but it's even more so that i feel really wrong about making any thing more than the pure basics for myself to eat. i just want to go to the store and get my staples and put forth as little time/effort as possible to fix them.

i suppose i'd forgotten that i'm actually allowed to make things that are yummy and fun and just for me. it still feels a little wrong, but when i put sharp cheddar cheese {which was my favorite in my pre-eating disorder life} on my sandwich saturday afternoon for the first time since i was fifteen, i decided to try and stick with it.

normally, when i say that i believe i'm worth caring for, i fully and truly believe it. but when i think about cooking just for me- fixing any given thing just because i want to- it's hard to wrap my mind around that being okay.

so here i am, venturing into more uncharted territory. it will be scary and it will be hard, but i think it will also be fun. and i know that it will be free.

i leave you with the following photo of my adventurous dinner saturday night:

whole wheat pasta with chicken and lots and lots of grilled veggies...and my new friend, pesto.

love,

EA