i had to say goodbye today...

...which i always hate.

but i will be returning to Mi Esperanza (along with my mother and grandmother) in June, which certainly makes things easier.

i tied up some lose ends at the center and hugged everyone and took a few pictures. they'd all made me jewelry and i put it on and thanked them as many times as possible and told them i'd never take it off. we kissed one another's heads a few times over and then i slung on my backpack and that was that.

afterwards we went to the airport to pick up a couple of the Mi Esperanza board members. in a day or so, the entire board will be in town for meeting and planning and a little mission work. once we picked them up we got some lunch and then went for a beautiful hour's drive up the mountains and into a quiet, rural area called santa ana. one of mi esperanza's founders has a beautiful home here and it's where all of the board will be staying.

i've always been fascinated by any and all females who happen to have been walking through life longer than i. there's something about just being around them, soaking in everything they say and do and don't say and don't do. i know they're not perfect, but they've made it as far as they have so there's got to be something said for observing them, no? it just gives me an expectant joy. and something to work towards.

we sat and stood around the kitchen counter talking and laughing for the afternoon's remainder until it was time for dinner. one of them made the most wonderful meat sauce which we ate on top of pasta along with some salad and bread. (cake from a honduran bakery came afterwards).

as we sat outside with low lights and candles and stemless glasses of wine, i looked around at each of their faces and i realized that i'm going to be them one day. whatever it is i end up doing with my life will at least have unfolded a few times and i'll hopefully have found a man who will put up with me and i'll maybe even have grandchildren.

i looked around at them and i realized that i am not just fighting for right now. i'm fighting for 30 years from now. i'm fighting for the nights like this one that just couldn't be much better. nights with old friends and fun and good food and true purpose behind them.

i took a bite of bread and i realized that the disorder that took hold of me for so long had not planned on letting me go. that had i not chosen to refuse it any more power in my life, one day i could be 50 years old and shaking my foot a million miles an hour under a dinner table, surrounded by all the heart-filling things this life has to offer, unable to partake of any of them.

i am not just the fleeting 22-year-old version of EA, only to be followed by the adult in act 2 of life. right now, i am 25-year-old EA and i am 50-year old EA and i'm the EA in between and after. when i gave myself away to my disorder, i was giving it all.

i am not only recovering the here and the now. i am recovering the rest of whoever i'll be.

love,

EA